5 years

I have been a little MIA lately from the blog. 1. I have been enjoying a busy schedule with Zoe and trying to take in each moment. 2. for the past five years January has been a hard month to get through. One of the reasons that I started this blog was to use it as an outlet. Grieving is no joke! It is a hard process to go through whether it is a lone or with loving friends and family. I have been fortunate enough to have the latter. So today is an especially hard day and I want to share some thoughts and ramblings. Here goes something…

It feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it pretty much sums up how I feel. I will never forget the shock and numbness I felt the moment I heard my uncle say she was gone. I knew when we got the call back to hospital that it wasn’t going to be good, but nothing prepares you to hear “she’s gone.” It’s all still a little blurry and I don’t think I will ever have a clear understanding of what happened after that moment. Five years ago I lost my mom. I lost my friend. I lost my motivator. I lost my guide. I lost my MOM! There is no class, no book, no video, no nothing that will ever prepare you for the pain I felt. Over the past five years I have had to work through a lot of emotions. And I have come to terms with the fact that there will be good days and bad days for the rest of my life. I also learned that it’s ok to not always be the “tough one” and it’s ok to cry (which if you knew me you would know I am a crier). The hardest lesson I learned was I am not my mom! Once I stopped trying to be, it turned out I was still a lot like her. I am not her exact replica, and Ashley has a lot of her qualities too, but I am proud to say I learned a lot from my mom. Like…

Work hard! She was an amazing principal, so much so that we often called her Principal Mom. But really she loved her staff and was a great leader!

She also taught me balance. To balance work and fun.

She also taught me to be a survivor whatever your lot may be. This was the day we found out she had breast cancer. Oh and she always taught me to put a smile on my face!

She also taught me to surround my self with great friends. It’s not always about the quantity, but the quality. She taught me that you will always have family. Family was #1! We had many family gatherings, yearly trips to visit family and plenty of family meetings. To be honest she was the glue that held our family together. Slowly we have all learned to make our own effort to keep our family together, but it has been a struggle. I have felt great loss when it comes to our family. I wish it wasn’t so. It is something that I have remained conscience about and try to make as much effort as possible. 

I am so thankful for the memories that she has given me with family vacations, holidays, and just the day to day family moments.

She has also taught me to be adventurous!

My mom was known for being a little uptight, but there are a handful of moments that she really taught me how to take risks and try something new. The reward could be a beautiful horseback ride in the valley’s of Kauai. Or you might be rewarded with a knot on your head and two black eyes, but plenty of laughter.  She had the most infectious laugh and enjoy being told that I remind others of her with my laugh (I don’t think it is the same, but it comforts me that others do). The best quote from our Havasu trip was from a shirt and it said, “It’s not funny unless someone gets hurt” thanks Cliff for that one!

She also taught me how to relax and be a little silly…

Lastly she taught me the importance of being a sister. She always told us that at the end of the day no matter what you always had your sister. Ashley and I have struggles because I always want to be the “big sister”, but I have long let that go. And our mom was right! Over the past five years we have been through a lot! I am thankful today for the friendship that we choose to have. There is no one out there that knows me better (Tommy you come close, you both know some pretty embarrassing stories about me).

Ahh…that felt good to celebrate and remember my mom’s life, but there are always two sides to the coin.

One of my biggest fears when we started talking about having children was that I would some how forget my mom. I know how busy life can get, and at the same time I didn’t want to dwell on the past. I know my mom would want us to continue living. But I couldn’t help feeling lost when it came to her grandchildren knowing about her. Would I share enough stories? Is it important that they know her? And then my heart breaks thinking about the love she would have had for her grandchildren and all of the moments she is missing out on! But every year I read this…an email sent to me from my mom (Tommy keeps it in a folder in his email where he keeps the secret fudge recipe that she emailed HIM!)

It was fun for me too. They are a very nice group of boys and I was
happy to have the company. I am confident your generous heart and
kindness will be the foundation for a loving home.

Terry Olson, PrincipaTovashal Elementary School
"Building Excellence One Student At A Time"

-----Original Message-----
From: Erin M Olson [mailto:eolson@pointloma.edu]
Sent: Monday, November 05, 2007 3:10 PM
To: Olson, Terry
Subject: thanks

Thank you MOM for last night. It is always great for the boys to have
some good family time. That is one thing that I really value from my
childhood and I am so thankful that you provided that for me. I hope
that I can create that same environment for my family.

I love you!!

Erin

Dear Zoe,
My hope and desire is to never let you experience the pain that I have had to endure. 
Unfortunately loosing your grandmother at a young age has also taught me that life can 
change in an instant. 
So my goal is to instill in you the things your grandmother has taught me and 
embrace every moment because they will be our memories forever! 
You will never know the magnitude of your grandmother's love, but I assure you 
it would have overwhelmed you! 
I promise to tell you stories about her and to share the life lessons that she has 
taught me.
I will share with you the journal she and I had 
and I promise that will have one of our own 
(since you can't write yet, it's just letters from me for now). 
You have given me the best gift today as you sat on my lap and waved at each picture 
of your grandma 
as we watched the video that your loving dada made for her memorial.
My love for you has helped me understand the amount of love my mother had for me and 
for that I am grateful. I love you baby girl!

love,
momma