The kids love singing the Frozen song and my favorite is when Grey yells out GOOO! Over the past year I had this stirring in my heart to really deal with my anger towards my Mom’s death. I had spent so many years trying to numb my pain with food, shopping, social media, busyness, but I never really dealt with my emotions. I had listened to the lies in my head that I was justified in my anger. I had every right to be angry. I was so blinded by my anger. I lost sight of who I was. We began going to church in January 2016. When we decided to move I was bummed because I knew it meant leaving our church, but it was supposed to be an answer to our prayers. Oh how I have learned that no matter where you are your brokenness follows you. I tried managing my anger myself. I tried working out more. I tried blogging again. I tried filling the void with other things, but nothing seemed to work. Once we moved back to California I knew it was time to find a church. It took me awhile still because I thought I was fine. All those years after my mom’s death everyone would tell me I was fine. I had Tommy, but what people don’t know is I wasn’t fine. I was screaming on the inside. It took a frank conversation with my mother-in-law that caused me to finally own my anger and begin to really deal with it.
Looking back I know that God never left me. When I think back to final moments with my mom I know with full confidence we ushered her into heaven. We sang her hymns, people read scripture over her, she was at peace. It was time for me to find that peace. Through some divine conversations I have been able to understand and draw meaning from my mom’s death. First she desired nothing more than for my sister and I to have a relationship with God. I realized as a teen I depended on my mom’s faith to define my relationship with God. Secondly I realized how I idolized my mom. It was time for me to let go of my anger, take my mom off the pedestal, and claim my own relationship with God.
Once I surrendered my anger so many things began to change in my life. I had peace. My destructive relationship with food was broken. My focus shifted. I was no longer being burned by my anger. I had been redeemed. I have learned that love can cover a multitude of sins. It’s by God’s grace that I was woken from my slumber. I feel alive and genuinely happy. I continue to let it go!!
Finally this space will feel like “It is well with my soul”. The entire purpose of this blog was to have an outlet to express my emotions and to share my family’s journey. I’m glad to be back! And it’s time to give God a chance to change me from the inside out. 
It is well with my Soul 