Mud and Mire

I was blind, but now I see. Something that I have struggled with over the years is believing the truth. My anger and grief stole my joy. In the process of trying to numb the pain and mend my brokenness on my own I started listening to the lies in my head. It started innocently…

Your mom didn’t have to die.

Your grief is worse than others.

Your justified, eat whatever you want. You’ve been good, one more won’t hurt.

Buy it, you deserve it.

You worked hard, you can rest just a little more.

Then it got personal…

You’re not good enough.

You aren’t good at your job.

You aren’t a good mom. Que MOM GUILT.

You will never be healthy again. You can’t lose the weight.

You aren’t beautiful.

You don’t have any friends.

You can do it on your own. You don’t need God.

If we move we will be happy. 
These lies swirled in my head and my heart for a long time and they were on repeat. I held on to these lies so tightly. They became my anthem. They fueled my fire. They lead me to judge others, they lead to my pride over taking my perspective. These lies ruled my life. They isolated me and put me out of touch with reality and ultimately the truth.

After surrendering my anger I began to realize the hold these lies had on my life and how they affected how I behaved in my daily life. As a woman I think some of these lies are passed down from generation and perpetuated by society, but I know these lies are all to common in many people’s lives. They separated me from living the life I always wanted. I was unhappy, even though I wore a smile on my face. It was like I was just going through the motions of life. It’s not fair for me to say that I was unhappy all the time and that I was pretending the entire time, but just like depression or anxiety it came in like waves and washed over me for a time and then would leave and then come crashing back into my life. There was this void that could not be filled and the lies left me feeling unsatisfied. But as I took inventory of my life and began to face reality I saw the lies, just for that, lies.

Needless to say I am DONE believing those lies! My heart is free from those chains, those lies have been replaced with the TRUTH! The promises of God to prosper me, to strengthen me, to sustain me, to love me, to FORGIVE me. My hope is that I am able to help my children to fight off those lies and fill them with the promises of God. They deserve to live a life of freedom. I don’t ever want them to feel the self doubt and not have the ability to declare the truth that they are worthy, they are enough. My hope is that they guard their hearts against the world that sells these lies. My hope is they live a life of peace and that when hard times come, because they will, that they can stand on the rock and not waver. My hope is that I am a living example for them.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2