Hear me roar!

After baring my heart and soul, I feel free. This is the first day I feel like myself and not just the shell of the person I was, but the person I was before. The thing I have come to realize over time is that I can never really be that person before my mom died. I have lost someone that defined me as a person. Then I had two beautiful babies that made me a mom. Those events alter your perspective on life. But today I felt like I was that confident and secure person I was before my mom died. There were many times in my life that I would say I lost my confidence after my mom’s death mostly when I was at work. There were so many times I wanted to pick up my classroom phone and dial her extension. Sometimes I would start an email to her just because her account was still active. Becoming a mom helped me to regain some of my confidence, but more out of necessity to survive. I have been in survival mode for 9 years and today I can say I’m not surviving, I’m thriving.

Here is a recent post from instagram that I wanted to share. I’m so thankful for my community. I have been blessed with an amazing group of people that hold me accountable, encourage me, and cover me in prayer. Over the past couple of years my relationship with my sister has blossomed into what I know would make my mom proud. God has placed three women in my life that show me what it truly means to be a mother and a wife. And then there’s my friends that love me unconditionally, even when time has separated us, we are able to pick up where we left off. I wanted to share this because it’s worth saying twice. I am forever grateful for the people in my life.

It’s so easy to take these relationships for granted. But it’s these relationships have saved me throughout the years. When we needed the hands and feet of Jesus our community was there for us. When we need babysitters, or a place to stay they were there for us. I have come to realize that these relationships are what called me out of my brokenness and forced me to face my true identity, because the company you keep is what begins to define you as a person. I spent some time with my sister and college best friend, many of you know that we were all pregnant at the same time. Watching my sister and my friend be first time moms has made see how I could grow as a mother. I saw something in them that I hadn’t seen in a long time. They were present over perfect (I know it’s a book and I haven’t read it, but the title seems to speak so much truth)  Seeing them love their husbands was such a wake up call for me. Spending time in conversations with my mothers helped me to see how I have struggled with being a good wife. I realized I didn’t have it all figured out like my pride had told me. I was quick to judge others that were struggling in these areas and wondered how? But now I see how big my log was in my own eye. Basically I realized I wasn’t as perfect as I lead myself and others to believe. The great thing I learned as well is that it wasn’t too late to change. To start over. I am not beyond repair.

Proverbs 13:20