I have seen and experienced joy and I have experienced pain and brokenness. Something I am learning right now is how to respond to life. Life isn’t as glamorous as the movies portray. I had never faced real tragedy in my life. My parents were married. My mom beat cancer. She just turned 50 and fabulous. Then she called me to tell me she needed a second heart surgery.
After my mom died my world crashed around me. I remember pleading with God to save my mom. I knew he had the power to resurrect her. The thing I didn’t realize is that His will, will be done. He always answers our prayers whether we like the answer or not. At the time I didn’t want to accept that. I wanted be angry! I wanted to hate the doctor! I wanted to be angry with my mom for having the surgery. I carried the burden of hate for far too long. As I processed her death and let go of the hate, I began to experience love. At first I didn’t know if I had the love of Jesus in me. I struggled with not having the warm fuzzy feeling. I soon realized that love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. When you choose to love God, you choose to let go of hate. Love and hate can’t coexist.
The enemy wanted me to stay angry, but brokenness begs to be healed. The first step to healing is acknowledging that you have a problem. I wanted to heal the hole in my heart. I wanted to put my sword down and stop hurting myself. Once I did the flood gates opened. I think I cried a year worth of tears in two weeks. As time passed the crying slowed, but honestly life doesn’t stop and the hurts don’t stop either. I think we often miss that when tragedy comes upon us we have two choices, we can run from God or we can run to God. As I run to God I have experienced the power God has. He is able to heal. He is able to provide wisdom. He is able to answer prayers. He is able to meet me right where I am. God is bigger than any disaster. I always said my mom was the glue in my life. She held our family together. I now see that God is my glue, He has pieced me back together. What I have come to understand now is that I am more equipped to handle what life throws at me. Not that I won’t hurt, because I will, but that I have a relationship with the ultimate healer.
It’s those promises that show me that I will stand firm. That this is not a fleeting relationship, but a steadfast one. My prayer is that my children learn what real love is, that they choose to love others the way Jesus loves us. I want them to follow his example of, kindness, gentleness, patience and unconditional love. My prayer is that they learn to love with action, that it isn’t just merely a feeling, but a commitment. The honest truth is feelings are fleeting. Love takes work and practice, but it can be learned. Just like hate breeds hate. Love breeds love. I want to walk the line and show my children how to love.
It is well with my Soul 