Fear is so paralyzing sometimes, at the least it’s distracting. After my mom died I had this fear of feeling that pain again. I was scared to become a mom, but I knew that I desired nothing more than having children. After a miscarriage I questioned my ability to get pregnant and then doubted if I was supposed to be a mom at all. Hurt fuels fear so much. When we became pregnant with Zoë a lot of fear surfaced as it does when your life is going to change. I drew a lot of strength from Tommy, he always believed I would be a good mom and deep down I believed it too. Then we decided to have another baby. New fears surfaced, could I love him as much as I love Zoë? Will I be a good boy mom? Will we be able to handle two kids? Zoë was such a good baby, will this one be difficult?
Before we had kids a lot of people would say, “You will understand when you have kids.” That often got one of us saying, what is that supposed to mean? And maybe we really didn’t know before we had kids. I think kids become a true reflection of who you are. As you begin raising little humans you realize what a big responsibility that is. I know sometimes I would feel like I was a kid raising kids. I would wonder, who trusts me to be a parent right now. I gotta say that’s why grandparents are so important.
Then we had Zoë. I got a lot of comments on how I was not like a first time mom. I think after babysitting since I was 15 for a girl with special needs and then working in the classroom since I was 19, I had a pretty good idea that kids are resilient. Fortunately our kids have been healthy and developmentally on track. Tommy and I had decided from the beginning that we wanted to be conscience of our parenting. So much so that we put most of our time and energy into parenting.
After having Grey I went into complete survival mode. I quickly returned to work after he was born and I struggled. Oddly enough people would tell me I made having two look easy, but if you asked either of us we would tell you differently. Honestly I think we were both in survival mode and usually ended up dividing and conquering. I will admit it has gotten easier as he gets older. As my attitude towards mothering has changed I take a lot of joy in shaping these little souls. I also feel incredibly grateful for the opportunity that I have to be at home with them. Funny story we never intended to be home with them. After having Zoë we decided to make it a priority for one of us to be home with her. Today I truly understand what a huge blessing it is that we are able to make that work.
Over time I have realized how fear has played a major role in my life. But it is with confidence that I am able to move forward. I now see that “…perfect love drives out ALL fear.” John 4:18
It is well with my Soul 