For the past year I have tried to be so strong. I have tried to juggle packing, moving, raising kids, being a wife, all while trying to make time for myself. Busyness seemed to rule my life. I went from one task to the next, to the next and to the next. I didn’t know how to rest. What I have come to understand is that we all worship something, we were created to worship. It could be fame, money, success, happiness, passion, careers, pride, anger, yourself, basically anything. We might not know it and we might not actually be conscience of what we worship, but we worship it nonetheless. For along time I felt like I was being torn in so many directions. I felt restless. I didn’t have any peace, I thought I did, but turns out I had no idea what peace felt like. I wanted to be happy so I began defining happiness by what I saw in the world (social media, commercials, Facebook, my friends lives, ect). It left me chasing after things that I didn’t even really want. What I wanted was right in front of me.
The reality that I have come to is, all of those things acted like drugs to me. I was addicted to food, busyness, pursuing happiness. They gave me a high and sense of urgency. I have also learned that the enemy comes in cute little packages. In shiny new things. He isn’t this ugly monster we all envision. He is out to divide, to deceive you from what you truly believe, to distract you from your life. And he’s smart, he knows exactly how to sell you these lies. He uses smooth talking and flattery. He draws you away from who you really are and morphs and shapes you into something that you never thought you would become. He isolates you and opens the door for you to run away from all that you are. The one thing that stops me dead in my tracks is knowing that the life the enemy tries to sell is so heavy burdened. I felt weighed down by my life, I felt unsettled, I felt rushed, I felt distracted, maybe not at first, but over time it eroded my soul.
Over the past few months God and I have been working on our relationship. He called me to be still and know that He is God. He built trust with me in small ways, and it lead to a deeper love. I began to shift my perspective. I stopped worshipping my false gods (Tommy, my grief, anger, money, and the pursuit of the world’s definition of happiness). Before I was ruled by my hunger, my desire for things, more money, supporting Tommy in his career. Now none of those things serve a purpose in my life. They do not control me. Man did that turn me upside down. I began to see how I had been wrapped up in all these things that it filled my mind with chaos. Once I shifted my perspective back to God and giving Him the praise, it’s like a light bulb went on. I had clarity on what really matters in life. My definition of happiness was rooted in truth, I was standing on solid ground again. Don’t get me wrong this is a daily choice. It’s so EASY to worship these things, it’s so easy to pick my anger back up, but all that happens is I add fuel to the fire and then I get burned. I am done getting burned by my choices. I have gained back my freedom. I am free to be me! Instead now I trust God’s pace in my life. I find my peace in Him and I get the freedom to choose that. We all have the freedom to choose what or who we serve. We can be ok at many things in life or we can be GRATEFUL for one person.
I realized that I needed to stand for something or I was going to start falling for the world around me. The honest truth is you can’t serve two masters. And it was time for me to choose who it was going to be, myself or God. I chose myself for a long time and it didn’t really get me anywhere, so it’s time to give God a chance.
“As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15
It is well with my Soul 