The Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky says this about lies, “A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices. And it all comes from lying–to others and to yourself.”
Opening up sometimes is gut wrenching. Being honest about my journey is emotionally draining, but honesty leads to healing. I can’t pretend anymore. My life isn’t perfect. I have talked a lot about the lies that I used to believe, well the truth is the mind is a battlefield. I struggle with a narrative script that plays in my head and it’s not always full of positive vibes. It can down right be brutal. I feel like I am constantly at war with these lies. Probably because I’m ruled a lot by my emotions. Emotions are my weakness. I haven’t earned the nickname crybaby for no reason. It doesn’t mean I’m weak. For awhile I stopped crying. I shut down my emotions and could barely feel for anyone. I was a coward. I ran from my feelings, I pushed them down so that I appeared to be strong.
I think in strength we recognize our emotions and when we choose to feel them we allow God to come in and fill the hurt, we allow for healing. Mother’s Day was one of those days that I knew my faith would be stretched. Would I still be angry and bitter or would I be able to choose joy, peace and love. I have come to realize is that God created us to feel emotions, we just happen to distort them. Feeling sad doesn’t mean I have to be bitter and angry. I have learned to exchange my earthly circumstances for heavenly promises. I realized this year that my mom still loves me, but instead of her loving me here on Earth, God loves me for her. He is my ultimate parent and that in times of sadness he wants me to lean on Him. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that things happen for a reason. I’m blessed with a mother-in-law that loves her grandchildren fiercely. She loves me without abandon. It’s in these moments that I realize how much I missed out on. I was blind to the real love of our family.
This is not only my battle, but as Zoë grows older she has started to face this same battle. I find myself combatting the lies she spews out. “You never”, “This is the worst”, “You always”. A lot of this is due to perspective. I have begun to realize that if we view life through a microscope we will see all of the imperfections and negativity. We focus on the lies. It’s so easy to give in to all the lies. It is so easy to walk blindly. But if we are able to step back and see the bigger picture we are able to see reality. We are able to see that life is so much bigger than these small moments. That we are apart of something far beyond ourselves, but that true happiness comes from the life that we are so intricately a part of. It doesn’t matter what I do in life, but if I do it with the right perspective and a heart for the Lord, all will be well with my soul.
It is well with my Soul 