Cry Wolf

This week was the first time I stepped foot in my childhood church. The one we attended when my mom passed away. I didn’t know what to expect or how I would feel. After my mom passed away I chose the gate of resentment, anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Those feelings overflowed from my heart and I turned my back on God. Along the way I began to believe every lie about the church. I believed that they weren’t there for us in our sorrow. That they didn’t surround us with the love of Christ. I don’t even know who the they was, but I felt wronged. I wish I knew what I knew now then. As I closed myself and my heart off from God I didn’t allow myself to experience the love of Christ. I hardened my heart towards healing. I chose my vices to cope and eventually I learned they will fail you. I have learned that by exposing my heart and allowing myself to feel the emotions I am able to truly heal from the hurt I felt.

This week I chose to forgive the church. I chose to forgive “them” for abandoning us when we needed them. But what I realized is that I abandoned God. I gave him the bird and decided I was better off on my own. I was able to justify my anger and place blame on something else other than myself. I knew deep down it was a choice, but after so many years of choosing to be angry I forgot why and began to blame other things and people. I now realize how much of a slave I was to those emotions. How much that choice cost me. I ultimately lost myself and my soul. I am thankful for a God that slowly peels back all of my layers and exposes me to the truth. There is so much freedom in the truth.

I’m incredibly grateful for a God that allows me to choose the gate of forgiveness, grace and peace at any point in life. The choice of forgiveness continues to grow my faith and increase my peace as I move through life. I no longer have to live a life of regret or carry around that extra baggage. It ultimately has set me free from the bondage of confusion. I am free to move forward and grow. I get to build my life on solid ground, no more sinking sand! God graciously allows for these opportunities to let go. I no longer want to cry wolf about the things and people that “wronged” me. I no longer have to keep score and tally of all my hurts. So this week I decided to leave that hurt on that hill above the city. I’m never going back for it. Thank you Jesus for the freedom in surrender. I pray that you continue to peel away my layers and expose my heart to all the feels. It’s good to be alive!