Remember When…

I have this inner struggle lately with being content with where I am. I started out as a 22 year old teacher. The world was at my fingertips and I chose my career. Then I became a 25 year old mom and teacher. I tried the working mom thing and it was great, but stressful. I missed a few milestones, but the perks of my job kept me coming back. Deep down in my heart I wanted to be at home with my children, as much as I loved my students, I wanted to be pouring into my own children. Then it happened. I got the opportunity to be home with my children. I love being a mom, but there are still some days that I would love to pursue my career, change my career, have a nightlife that didn’t included children. Yup it all sounds pretty selfish when I say it out loud. But I can’t imagine for one second that I’m alone. Turns out I’m not. And the funny thing is as I look longingly at other people’s lives, they are often looking longingly at mine. As I wrestled with these feelings, I tried to remind myself I’m right where I need to be and a loving mother reassured me I was. As I watched my children playing on the playground I thought back to my childhood. Remember when I would play at the pocket park, or remember when I used to play outside for hours until the streetlights came on, or remember when we went on that vacation. It really got me thinking about my role as a parent. I think that I often consider my time spent as a parent a waste of time. I think that there are bigger and better things I could be doing, but then I stopped dead in my tracks and thought what really is bigger and better than creating lifelong memories. Or building up the next generation. As a teacher I believe education is the foundation of our society. Aren’t we all teachers in some way?

I get the opportunity to be a co author in my children’s life. I get to be apart of the mundaneness that leads to them being independent successful human beings. I look forward to the moment that I sit around a table and listen to my kids tell stories about remember when mom used to threaten to pull over the car, or remember when we filled the bathtub to the tippy top, or remember when Grey jumped four stairs when he was two and landed it! I know that my past and my future are shaping these moments for my children. I actually got the chance to reread my mom’s journal. The first entry got me so much because she was in the exact same moment as me. She wrote, “Erin just started kindergarten and her independence is being asserted. It’s a difficult time for her. She and Ashley really are a blessing. God’s children. I would like to get them back to church but I always feel so pressed for time on the weekends- actually all the time. There are never enough minutes in a day to do all the things I would like to. Everyone always wants something from me including me. I’m thankful for this journal. I love saving all the special treasure my girls create and hope someday they appreciate how much they are loved by family and friends.”

Sometimes it’s reading your mom’s words that really humbles your heart and help you to believe that you are not alone in these moments. It’s comforting to know that before you many parents have faced your same feelings and struggles. And that they may have struggled, but all you remember is how strong they were. How they may have lost their patience with you, but you never doubted in your mind how much they loved you. That they were there. It opens the door for grace. I think we all need a little grace in feeling these emotions and then choosing to move forward into loving our family.

I had a fear that I was going to lose myself, but I have found myself in being content with my role. As I read on in her journal all I could do was relate to her so much more. Getting a personal glimpse into her struggles reminds me that nothing is ever perfect. But you press on. The last thing that got me right in the heart was this, “The girls are doing well, but I don’t feel like they really know how proud I am of them and what they do. We just don’t really take much time out of our busy schedule to really connect as a family. I look back and wish I had enjoyed them more as babies and toddlers.” We have all heard it one way or another. So instead of wishing for or looking for another life I just want to cherish the one I have. I’m going to be grateful for each moment and memory I get to make with Zoë and Grey, so they can say remember when…

Finally I look forward to the moment my own children struggle. That I will be able to sit there and encourage them. I will be able to care for their babies when they are wrestling with the sacrifice they are making as parents. We see the power me too carries and I think that it relates to so many facets of life. But in the me too we are stronger and able to unite. Light drives out darkness and when we say me too we are giving a voice to isolation and loneliness. We are strengthening the weak and giving power to rise above the issue. To grow stronger and take a stand together. When we stand for something we won’t fall for anything. 😉 I think about the legacy this kind of strength leads to. My children will have a childhood where they get to be kids and grow. I pray one day they know how much they are loved.