This year has challenged me in the most unexpected ways. Today I want to set down a piece of luggage. It’s gotten a little heavy. That sentence takes me back to all of the times that I have traveled alone with Zoë and then with Zoë and Grey. I looked like a pack mule. I would carry a baby in front, a car seat on the back and pulled luggage in one hand and eventually another car seat in the other. Oh and I had my carry-on somewhere across my body too. It’s time for me to set my bags down and lighten my load. I don’t want to forget that I carried this piece of luggage, and I most certainly don’t want to forget the lessons I have learned from carrying it.
When I traveled alone carrying all of those bags I learned how strong I am. When confronted with a problem, there is always a solution. It might take more courage to face it, but somewhere within I had it. Man those days really prepared me for this year. There are so many things in my life that has led to this moment and I can not be more thankful for the people that shaped me so that I could count it a successful year, amidst a trying moment. And I choose to be thankful because I want to be joyful. I want to take with me the good and I want to plop all of the hurt right here.
I’m making a conscience choice to let go of the past hurts of this year. I’m leaving every ounce of brokenness here. I leave behind all of my mistakes. I’m walking away from a place that stripped me down and exposed me in the most vulnerable way. I leave every single tear shed right here.
Instead I choose to stow away all the little pieces of joy, I’m going to tuck them way, way down in my heart. I choose to hold on to the sweetest moments with my children. The strength that has bubbled to the surface of my being. I hold tight to laughter. I cling to a Jesus I never knew, but always needed. The new friendships and the old ones that came along side me to do life. I hold tight to my family because at the end of the day they are always there. My heart is overwhelmed by the love I have been surrounded by.
I’m thankful for this year because despite it’s best effort to tear me down it did the exact opposite. It built me up into the women I was looking for. The women I had lost sight of. I will admit I DO NOT wish anyone tragedy in life, but the problem could be the very thing that propels you to your purpose. I just saw the first episode of This Is Us and I will forever remember this line, “there’s no lemon so sour that you can’t make something that resembles lemonade.” That hit home and yes I did the ugly cry. What I’ve also learned is that you might start out with something that resembles lemonade, but if you choose to continue on in life you can add sweetness to the lemonade and eventually it will no longer be sour. Today I continue to fight for my future self. I don’t know who she will be or where she’s going, but I have learned that the journey is never over. That growing is never done. I found this prayer and it was the very words that I couldn’t find, but that where softly whispering in my soul. May God bless the woman deep within me, the woman I’m trying to be. May He mend where my heart is broken, and fill every empty space. May God erase the fears of my past, to create in me a bright future, may He make me slow to anger and quick to forgive. Amen.
As I continue to walk forward I put my trust in God to set my paths straight. I don’t know what I’m walking towards, but I trust He is the author. Sometimes this is a very uncomfortable place to be. It is a place of waiting and I will be the first to admit the waiting room is awkward, but a place of growth. It is a place that expands and contracts with every breath we are given. As events unfold in this world we can see how every moment and every day is a simple gift. A gift of time to love others and to value those that are important. The very things that were meant for hurt and evil can be used for good. That disasters can produce some of the sweetest rewards when we look for it. We have to have eyes to see it and hearts to receive it. It’s not our desire to have disaster come upon us, but I think it is allowed so that we can draw near. So we can see who we are and who we are not. That we can not control everything. Every person and situation has the very potential to be redeemed. We all have the choice in how we respond to this world, to love or to destroy, build or tear down. Taking it one day at a time.
It is well with my Soul 