Real Love

Picture perfect. We all have these ideas of what is picture perfect for our life. We all have this dream of what our life should look like and what we expect it to look like. We try to navigate every day to achieve that dream. I finally stared those dreams and ideas straight in the eyes and just laughed. At the end of the day they are just a figment of our imagination. This year I had to let go of so many of these false expectations and ideas of what should be, or should have been. Funny story Grey has been a little whiney and clingy, like stage 5! And it was the perfect illustration of what we often look like in life. It might not look like a 2 year old having a tantrum, but we all tantrum for what we want. I mean I’m guilty of it and I will own it. I loose control sometimes, but I think it’s in the moments that we loose control that we can see who we really are and then we get the opportunity to choose how to proceed. And what I have noticed is that it all boils down to how we choose to love. I have learned first hand that love is a choice. We all get to choose how we love ourselves and others, but I didn’t know what real love looked like for a long time. Actually I was blind to it. Looking back I can see it now, but I didn’t in the moment. Pictures are good for that, but that reminds me how imperfect pictures can be. Don’t get me wrong I love a curated feed just like everyone else. I like how “perfect” looks. But this year more than ever I have looked at a perfect picture and known that even though the moment captured is perfect, not everything behind it is, you know that pile of laundry you’re hiding.

That brings me back to love. Real, authentic love stripped down is perfectly imperfect. It embraces all of the flaws of another person and loves anyways. It sees the uglies and leans in even more (thank you Jesus). It’s like when Grey tantrums, I don’t loose love for him. We as humans are flawed and fall short of glory. We will never be perfect here, but God chooses us anyways. I have realized that the God I didn’t know is far more mighty then I ever thought. Understanding real love, love that is patient and kind. Love that doesn’t envy or boast. Love that isn’t full of pride, dishonor, self-seeking (ooh that one is tough for me), easily angered (yikes), or a love that doesn’t keep a record of wrong (uh-oh) or delight in evil. Real love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

Woah, we have all heard those qualities once or twice, but it wasn’t until I looked at how I was loving myself, God, and others that I realized I missed the mark. Not only did I not know how to love, but I didn’t know how to receive it either. When my walls finally came tumbling down, love was able to come in and I was able to see it and feel it. One thing I know I did when my mom died was I pushed down every single feeling of hurt and brokenness I felt. I thought I was being strong, but instead I was slowly destroying myself. I turned to food instead of Jesus. This past year has been a time for the biggest growth in my life. The one thing I will never forget is that love never fails. It doesn’t die just because that person isn’t here anymore. I didn’t stop loving my mom. Love continues. It’s the legacy you leave behind, it’s what people remember about you. My mom’s love didn’t stop either. I’m constantly reminded of her love for others and for me and my family. But I’m also reminded of how love isn’t perfect. I’m going to fail in loving the way Jesus loves, but all I want is Jesus love. Having a standard of what love looks like is so refreshing. I don’t have to determine what love is or isn’t. It helps me to make the choice to love. I am able to see and receive real love, not the idea or fantasy of love. I have come to terms with the fact that love is in the little things, don’t get me wrong it can be grand, but I want to see the little things more than I want the pomp and circumstance. Life on the daily requires the little love, the little sacrifices, the little joys, the small moments, the small laughs. Those are the things that I hold tight to now because that’s real love.