Roots

I found myself at the Asian market yesterday and as I walked through the doors I was smacked in the face with a whole lot of emotions I didn’t expect. I was instantly flooded with the thoughts of my grandma. Every year I would send her her favorites, shrimp chips (yuck), jasmine green tea, watermelon seeds, but I would also pick things up from my childhood to tuck in Zoë’s stocking. This year I don’t get to send her those things and it broke my heart ever so slightly. Recently Zoë asked me why she isn’t white. I usually try to brush it off because I don’t want her to be insecure, but then she asked me why she is tan like her friend Bruce. I gave it some thought and I answered her honestly. Zoë has the same skin color as my mom. My mom is Chinese. Her friend Bruce is Japanese and Vietnamese. As much as Zoë and Grey are Mexican, Zoë has a dash of Chinese in her that shines through in her skin color. Yesterday she also got her hair cut and the smile on her face was beaming when she looked in the mirror. And the first words out of her mouth was I look like Grandma Terry. And I had to agree.

So it got me thinking and I finally asked her, “Are you happy you look like someone in your family?” And she exclaimed “Yes, I love my family!” Oh little girl you love your family something fierce. But now I know why. She wants a sense of belonging. I get it, boy do I get it. I remember growing up and wanting so badly to look like someone in my family too. I didn’t look like my Chinese grandma and I didn’t look like my Colombian grandma. I was always told I look liked my mom when I was with her and that I looked like my dad when I was with him (I think one day Zoë will be able to relate to that). But I always wanted to know that I belonged, don’t we all? My momma taught me that family is everything. I can still hear her words, “your values should not be far from my values, because I raised you.” Well done momma.

So as I lay here next to my children I am reminded that no matter where I am, where I live, or what I’m doing I belong. I belong here with my family. I will show up every day to serve my family, to love my family, if only to just feel the sense of belonging and to teach Zoë and Grey that they belong too. Because don’t we all want roots? I spent more weekends with my grandparents then I can count. And I realize it is in those moments that I was given my roots. It was in knowing them that I felt like I belonged. My grandma had this incredible way of just loving. She loved me for who I was. She never tried to make me something I wasn’t. I think she loved that way because my grandpa teased me relentlessly. Haha! But needless to say I’m incredibly attached to my Chinese roots. No one ever believed me when I said my grandma was Chinese (she was born and raised in China, I promise). I get it I don’t look Chinese, but it doesn’t matter. It was through her that I felt Chinese. It was her stories and hearing her speak with her sister, it was sitting around a table making wontons, that I learned where I came from. It was time. Time gave me my roots. Spending time with her gave me a sense of belonging. That’s it.

I want more than anything and I think it’s incredibly healthy for Zoë and Grey to have roots. And roots need time to grow before they blossom and burst into life. They need time with family. They need memories to draw on. They need experiences to develop. So don’t mind me, I’ll be over here protecting, nurturing, fostering, tending to my little roots.

Also I’m over here desperately trying to feel all the feels over loosing my grandma. I’m choosing a different path this time. So I may write more at 3am, or I may shut down more (from here and social media), but I’m not choosing my emotions and food over healing. I want to heal this time. SO I think I will run more into my family, that’s truly where my heart belongs deep down in my roots. No more pushing people away and isolating myself (I hear you sister loud and clear). Time it’s all about time, I will give my self the grace of time and to not rush the process. Thank you Zoë for this mini life lesson.