Time

Time, I did a little research on time, here’s what I found…

“Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.”

–Harvey MacKay

“Time is very slow for those who wait. Very fast for those who are scared. Very long for those who lament. Very short for those that celebrate. But for those that love, life is eternal.”

–William Shakespeare

Don’t say, “There’s still time.” or “Maybe next time.” Because there’s always the concept of “it’s too late.”

–Unknown

“Time heals what reason can not.”

–Unknown

My experience with time is intimate. My feelings about time are deep. It continues to march on, with or without you. Heck you better make the most of it. I have learned time is precious and fragile. 

10 years, 10 years, my mind has the hardest time comprehending how it’s been 10 years without the woman who gave birth to me. She gave me life and I got 21 years with her and now it’s been 10 without her. I have been wrestling with a truth that I will most likely be alive longer without her than I was with her. But then I’m quickly reminded life is measured in breaths and that at any given moment it could be my last. So I take time pretty seriously. Time can feel like a second has only passed or a life time has passed. I have learned you have to take it all in.

I vividly remember the last moments before my mom was gone. She truly lived them like they were her last. She kept telling me it was my last Christmas with her, I just thought, I’m only getting married, I’m not dying. But she was and in actuality we all are. So I’m forever thankful that we lived like we were dying. I chose to be intentional with my time with her. I usually spent most of my weekends during college home. I’m glad I did. I spent most Sunday’s at church, then out to lunch, and then running errands. We ended the day with a family dinner. I would go on walks with her, that made my battle with my weight that much harder. I used her as my excuse. She was my workout partner. She inspired me to be healthy, maybe she forced me to sometimes. One of my most memorable moments with my mom was when I was 18. I came home and cried in her lap. She was my safe place. She was my confidant. She always kept it real for me. Haha! I often think back to the last few days she was alive. The tears shed, the prayers said, the songs sung, the late night sleeping in the chapel, the long drive home without her. These thoughts often leave me in a little bit of a funk. It’s hard to comprehend that that much time has passed when it sometimes feels like yesterday.

I can honestly say I don’t regret spending my time with her and I’m incredibly thankful that my memories are filled with her. Because that’s all it comes down to. How you spend your time. And time well spent is always worth living for. I want so badly to make my time with my kids matter even if it’s wiping their butts. I want to have dessert for dinner every once in awhile. I want to tell jokes, even if they’re terrible. I want to share my life with them so they will always remember me, so their memories will be filled with time spent with me. I don’t want them to forget my love for them. I want them to remember who I am and what I stand for. Recently I wrote in my journal how I miss hearing my mom’s words of wisdom. Then I was blessed with the sweetest opportunity to sit next to a teacher that worked alongside my mom for many years, a woman who tutored me and then later was my colleague. She shared so much of my mom’s wisdom and we discussed things she believed in and it basically broke my heart (the good kind). It was the very thing I needed to remember how much she loved me and loved others. She was passionate about people and her family. I’m glad that’s something she passed down to me and it’s something that she shared with the people around her.

One thing I have noticed in her last moments is that she tried her darndest to live out her faith. She didn’t talk about it too much, but she lived it. Over the past year I have been lucky enough to spend some time in her personal Bible. Seeing her notes and her dates gives so much insight into her heart. That makes me want to share my heart with my kids. I don’t want to wait until I’m gone for them to know. I want them to know it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to express how you feel. To give yourself grace and process your emotions before they consume you. To take responsibility for your life and look to Jesus, because Mommy isn’t perfect. I want them to see my humanness and understand I need forgiveness just as much as they do.

All this to say I’m looking forward to the day that I get wrap my arms around my Momma. I’m so so incredibly thankful for the time she poured into me and I can confidently say she was right about everything. Ash I wrote it 5 years ago and I mean it more and more each day! Thank you, thank you for being the sister I need and more importantly thank you for being my friend. Let’s keep celebrating her life and keep on living life to the fullest, because at the end of the day all we have is each other.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15