My life has been turned upside down like a bully shaking a kid down for lunch money. All I have been doing is hoping my pants don’t give way to expose myself. So many of you have told me how strong I am, but truth is I’m not. There are so many days that I would much rather melt onto the floor in a puddle of my own tears. Thankfully all that has happened is, my heart has grown closer and closer to God. I used to have this weird perception of God, like he was some genie. If I prayed He would grant me my wish. Turns out that’s not the case and my heart is glad it isn’t because now I know the truth. Now I know He’s a Friend, a Counselor, a Healer, a Father, a Husband. He is everything I need when I need it. He’s there in every moment.
One thing I have learned and keep learning is that life is meant to be lived intentionally not casually. When we become intentional we don’t just merely exist for our own purpose, but we willingly live for others too. I was so so guilty of casual living. I woke up in the mornings and my first thought was (true confession) what am I going to eat for breakfast and then my second thought was what am I going to make for dinner. I kid you not, my entire thought process was always wrapped up around food. That honestly was the first thing God healed in my heart. Because if I was left to my devices I would have completely destroyed myself, but He saved me. The problem wasn’t in my brain. The problem was in my heart. Everything I did to control food only ended up controlling me. Because what we harbor in our heart is what flows from us. So the question I should have asked myself, is what in my heart is making me act this way? Not what my best intentions were, not what my brain thought about, because I could speak for days about making healthy choices. I knew the truth about being healthy, but I didn’t know how to put it into practice and even when I did it was all in vain because my heart wasn’t in it.
So this is really the truth about my weight loss. Once my heart was in it, woah, there was something that just clicked. The knowledge, the intentions, and the effort met the road and there was no stopping me. It was a choice. I chose to allow God to cleanse my heart. I honestly didn’t do anything different than what I was already doing. But that was my heart struggle. That was the burden I was carrying around. We all carry different burdens in our heart, some of us love money, status, glory, popularity, lust, work, it literally can be anything. And it’s the very thing that separates us from living our best life, the one God intended for us. We might think we are living our best life because we are giving into all of the things that make us “happy”, but that’s what numbs us from reality. We are fed lies by media that keep us in the state of wondering, “Am I good enough?” or “I’m the best, look at me. Ain’t nothing I can’t do on my own”. I remember feeling like I was walking around half alive. I needed validation from others, I felt like I couldn’t do anything on my own. And then one day I thought, enough is enough I can’t keep doing this. Metaphorically speaking we all got a little Jonah in us. I just didn’t have any more energy to keep running, keep doing life on my own effort. I was tired. You know what I was really tired of, was believing the lies. Now I live in full confidence knowing the truth. I am good enough! I am beautiful! I am a good mom! I am a good partner! I am a good teacher! But I’m not 100% good at all of them in my own strength. Because each of those areas I am weak. When I gave up fighting in my strength, that’s when I became strong. And it’s not a one time deal. It’s something I choose daily, moment to moment. Now I know when I am tired and hurting it’s because I’m trying to accomplish life on my own strength, I’m functioning based on my emotions. Oh dang, that one always sneaks up on me. We have this tendency to allow our hearts to lead us, but man that little sucker can be a liar. In your heart you can hold on to bitterness, resentment, anger, jealousy, pride, fear man those feelings don’t bring about good things. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” So I guess this past year that’s what I spent time doing, asking myself where my treasure is and what’s stopping me? Then responding to it, by letting it go, laying it down, and by golly praying I don’t pick it back up.
Because this was a matter of my heart there wasn’t anyone that could make me see that. I had to see it for myself. I had to choose to change. I had to choose to face and deal with my own issues. Nobody could do it for me. When I look back at pictures, my heart breaks. I was so so blind to the hurt I was causing myself. Like I confessed in my last post about change. In my head I believed I looked different, then I did in reality. Lies and more lies kept me blind. But I’m so thankful for second chances, maybe I don’t get all of them, but I do get to have a changed heart. That’s honestly what ALL of this comes down to. This past year I allowed my heart to be searched, to be renewed. I took responsibility for what was in my heart the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. Now I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m free. I’m free to continue to grow and learn. I have a hunger to never go backwards or in circles, but to emotionally and spiritually walk forward in my life. My heart is ALIVE. I am ALIVE, body, mind and soul.
This has been an incredibly humbling experience. When faced with a situation you can not control it’s easy to shift blame and point the finger and it’s equally as easy to run from the problem, but what we always forget is there are three fingers pointed right back and that you can never out run the problem, it just follows you around. So instead of putting the blame on others or running from my problem, I ran into my problem and I decided to take responsibility for how I was going to respond. There isn’t one circumstance that defines me. There isn’t one desire of my heart that defines me. The only thing I let define me, is who I belong to. Everything else flows from that. How I respond to others, how I love my children, how I preform in a job, the decisions I make comes from the position of my heart. It isn’t self-centered, it is Christ-centered. Honestly it makes life so much easier. I don’t feel as if I’m casually living, but that I’m living intentionally with a purpose. Not to gain the world, but to gain a life worth living. There was so much dissatisfaction in my life, but it wasn’t true, I had so much dissatisfaction in my heart because I believed I deserved better or that I deserved this and that, but the truth is I have exactly what I need. And I’m content knowing that I stood tall and I showed up.
I guess my question for myself will always remain, what’s the position of my heart? Because everything we do is a matter of the heart. If you’re tired of being sick and tired, like I was I just want you to know there is hope. There is a healer and a redeemer. His name is Jesus and His arms are open wide. That’s the crazy business about the Bible and God, the author is in love with the reader. How awesome is that?! Pray my friends, invite Jesus into your life. It’s a decision you won’t regret.
Isaiah 9:6
Matt. 6:21
Psalm 139:23
It is well with my Soul 