Fight Stagnation

This is something I have heard for years. And something I was very conscious of when it came to work. Getting a job right out of college two weeks after my mom died I had something to prove. I chose to work in the same school district as her and for that reason I felt like I had to make a name for myself. I couldn’t ride her coat tails forever and so I set out to work hard and show the world who Erin was. I devoted a lot of my personal time to work. I always went the extra mile to show up for my students. I invested in relationships with my parents. All of which paid off and honestly I wouldn’t change any of that for the world. It’s who I am. My eyes light up when I talk about my work. As a teacher I love sharing the knowledge I have with others. It excites me.

But along the way I stopped growing in my personal life. I became stagnate. I went about my personal life like a robot. And honestly I feel like that’s the beginning of discontentment. When you are in autopilot mode. My emotional and spiritual growth was completely stunted. In retrospect I know exactly why and instead of addressing it I swept it under the rug. It was easier that way. I was able to stay numb and get by. I didn’t always emotionally invest, I just went through the motions and punched the time clock. Instead of admitting how unhappy I was with myself I was able to pour into my career and feel like I had a purpose. And maybe it’s because I’m not currently in the classroom that I’m forced to face the truth. My purpose is beyond the classroom, beyond my career. It doesn’t define my worth. I eventually lost myself in my career, it didn’t have to be that way. I needed to find a better internal balance. Externally I had it down, work, family, events, the usual. I had the head knowledge of balance, but internally I was only finding my worth in work. There are a lot of other factors that played into the situation, but ultimately it was my responsibility to see it and address it.

Ever since I addressed the real issue I have grown exponentially. Emotionally and spiritually I have caught up and continue to learn. The amazing part of having each area of my life balanced is it causes my passion for my work to increase. Currently I channel that into my children, but if you strike up a conversation with me about Special Education you will see the light get brighter in my eyes.

I mentioned how this is an internal battle and not always an external one. As people we are able to portray what we want. We can act and say things that keep us complacent, and I don’t say content, because those two words are so so very different. Sometimes it’s easier to run away from who we are and make a new path rather than face our own internal struggles. But what we risk in doing that is not fulfilling the very thing we were meant to be. Sometimes as parents you day dream about what life would be like if you didn’t have children. All the things you could do. I’ve been there, again it’s dangerous because those thoughts can lead to stagnation as a parent. I was guilty of that, but instead of allowing those thoughts to define me or lead me I realized how important my role is as a parent. I see my purpose in being a good mother and the impact I have on my children. I see it now even more clearly than I did before. And to be completely and utterly honest, being a parent is an honor not a drudgery. I’m right where I belong, I’m content with being mom and everything that that entails. Because there is another teacher that will come behind me, but to them I’m their world, and they are mine. It’s sometimes a scary place to be. To have little people looking to you for the answers, that’s why I need a savior who has the answers, because to be real frank I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. The hard truth is when others lives are at stake the thought of failing them can be the very thing that drives you away. It almost seems easier to run and harder to stay, commit, risk, fail, and try again. Even in my failures as a mom I see so much growth in me and in the kids. Growth that again I think I was missing out on, growth that I’m thankful for now. I choose to grow in all areas of my life. My heart has been challenged, and stretched. It is capable of things I never thought it would be, but the idea that you can’t learn or relearn something is bogus, that’s just admitting to stagnation, that it won. That you can’t grow. Over the past year I have learned what it takes to form new habits. I’m still learning. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Science says we are able to learn and relearn new things due to this thing called neuroplasticity.  The idea that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks is FALSE. There are so many things I want to accomplish and it requires learning new skills. The idea of closing our eyes and crossing our arms wishing for something new to make it all better is just that, a wish. Instead it’s in that moment to dig a little deeper. Muster up some courage and fight stagnation. Muscle up buttercup, that’s what I tell myself. I know personally that it’s possible. If you had told me that when I was at the end of my rope, I would have laughed wickedly loud and rolled my eyes. Probably politely nodded in agreement and walked away. But now I’m excited for the opportunities to learn something new. To be challenged personally in every situation. I’m excited about life. All that that means.

My momma believed in being well rounded. It’s something that I treasure now, but begrudgingly listened to as a teen. And it most definitely is something I will pass on to my children. My mom’s philosophy at her school was to create life long learners. That’s my desire for Zoë and Grey. That they always push themselves in all areas of their lives. And I talk the talk and I walk the walk. Because I can’t expect them to do anything I’m not willing to do myself.