Truth Be Told

There is something cleansing about writing. It kind of releases something in me that allows for the real me to shine through. A post from last year popped up and I took a minute to read it. I think when I wrote it I cried, but reading it a year later it brought a huge smile to my face. I saw myself, I saw my heart and where it was a year ago and I just smiled because of how much my heart has grown since last year. How much I have learned about myself. How much I still have to learn.

That brings me to today. I have two truths to share. The first one is drum rolllll please…I’m almost positive I have never written a resume. Maybe once, but that has long been forgotten in the digital world. Last year I was forced to face some of my insecurities. In the previous post Fight Stagnation I talk about how I had something to prove. And part of me believes that’s because I doubted myself. I let my insecurities take a front row seat. Some of you don’t know, but I got a job right out of college. Instead of getting my credential first I began teaching and went to school at night to earn my credential. Would I change it, maybe, do I think there were benefits, absolutely. But I have to admit sometimes it left me feeling like a fraud. I felt like I wasn’t smart enough. Thankfully my heart and my passion always kicked in and helped me fight those feelings. But when you’re left raw and wondering was it all a lie, you begin to second guess everything. Over many experiences this past year I learned the truth. I learned that I had a lot to offer in conversations. That I wasn’t clueless about life. I learned that I love, like in every fiber of my being I deeply care about people with special needs (and I’m not even referring to my students, just people in general). I have a heart to help. I’m the behind the scenes kind of girl. I love hospitality. One of my first jobs was working in a restaurant, and I LOVED it. I have a way of moving crowds of people. Sometimes gently and sometimes firmly, but it truly is one of my strengths. I have a knack for planning and organizing events, big or small, I enjoy it. Most of these qualities were developed through my profession. And when you’re forced to write down all of your experiences and skills you’re faced with a piece of paper that reflects who you are, but I’m more than that.

There are things that can’t be captured on a piece of paper. I’m not a huge fan of talking about myself. I can talk about my experiences, but elevating myself is pretty hard for me. But what I want to share is more about others than it is about me. I’m incredibly thankful for every single opportunity I have had as a teacher. I remain close to many of my students, at least through social media. I still get together with some of my parents if not I exchange messages with them, but what I have learned most and cherish deeply is the impact I have made on my students and the impact they have made on me! I am forever changed because these people entered my life. Nissabelle I love your pursuit! You whole heartedly surprised me, but at the same time you didn’t because you chose your senior year to jump in with both feet and you haven’t looked back since. Kelsey, thank you for reaching out to me and it warmed my heart to hear that you were finally pursuing what you always wanted and I’m here for you anytime you have questions. Callie, you don’t even know. Thank you for giving me an opportunity for me to pursue what’s truly on my heart. And I can NOT wait to see your career unfold. And Matt, you don’t know this, but I see you. You pop up every once and awhile and you make me smile. I will never forget your gift for Zoë’s baby shower. You have a heart of gold, please never loose that! Travis, I see you too kid! I’m super proud of the man you are! Thank you all for coming along side me and leaving me a better person by knowing you. Goodness that’s just the tip of the iceberg on my career. My colleagues…there aren’t enough words in the world to describe how I feel about each and everyone of you! Thank you for supporting me through thick and thin! I would NEVER in a million years have survived without you and I know that! You were my life line, you raised me up! Thank you from the depths of my heart. See when I focus less on my insecurities I’m free. I’m free to see myself and others.

That leads me to my last truth…I am by nature jealous. There’s this phrase that keeps popping up on my instagram that’s well intentioned and probably accomplishing the very thing it’s purpose is, the phrase is, “why her?” I’ve struggled with this for a long time. I would look at other girls and ask why her, why does she get to have her mom there. Why her, why is it so easy for her to loose the weight. Why her, why does she look so cute in that outfit, I couldn’t wear it. Why her, why does she get to eat that, I look at it and gain weight. Why her, why does her hair look so full and perfect. Why her, why does she have a successful career, but I feel like I’m failing at mine (see truth above). Why her, gosh darn it, why her? And my usual response is, “why not me?”. That still leaves me in the state of comparison. But I think the shift really needs to come down to, “I am.” I am able to loose weight, I might want to lose more, but I am healthy. I am able to wear the cute outfit, but that doesn’t make me beautiful, my beauty comes from my character. I am able to eat healthy and make healthier choices for myself. I am good at my job because I am smart and passionate about my career. I am able to learn new hair tricks. I am adventurous. I am willing to love others. I am a bit unruly. I am a good mother. I am a lot of things. Kicking those insecurities to the curb was the best decision I could have ever made and more importantly I stopped comparing myself. Because at the end of the day I only have one person to compare myself to. And that person deems me worthy. I am worthy. I don’t say this to convince anyone else, but it is a truth that sometimes I need to remind myself. Because doubt likes to creep in. And if you find yourself in the midst of this same conversation (why her or why them), know that it’s not about them. It’s really about you. So dig a little deeper. Because facing our insecurities and really finding the root of it resolves the issue, instead of keeping it buried deep down only to have it rear it’s ugly head every once in awhile. It’s far more beneficial to face it head on. It takes a little courage to look, and it might not be pretty, but sloughing that layer of insecurities reveals the true beauty within. And truth be told my hope is that you don’t have to go through a tough moment in life to get there, but that you can make the choice on your own.