In the Details

I come from a profession highly focused on behavior modification, but before you modify a behavior you have to determine the function. Taking a look back I think about my behaviors and I ask myself, why, why did I do that?

There are a couple of behaviors that I think about first when I think about why did I comfort myself with food. Well the truth is food has a connection to love for me. I’m like the nona that shows you she loves you by feeding you. I love through the stomach. So naturally when I felt unloveable or unloved I loved myself by eating. I consoled my self by eating my feelings. Not all of my feeling where wrapped up in my mom’s death. Whenever I felt stressed I ate. When I felt lonely I ate. I did a lot of my eating in secret. That’s how I knew it was a problem. Wow, I haven’t really said that out loud before. Sometimes I would recognize the problem and I would try to self medicate be chewing gum.Then I broke a tooth chewing gum, haha! Or I would turn to spending money, I don’t think I ever really found a healthy outlet for feeling love and affirmation. I honestly can’t take credit for the shift in my brain. I can only say I feel like I was saved from this destructive behavior. It all comes down to a simple principle, I was trying to escape/avoid my emotions. Another way I coped was to run away. We would run to our happy place, our bubble. Funny story we never wanted Zoë to wear pink or be obsessed with Disney, it’s laughable today. I think about how much Disney is apart of our life. We caved. We took Zoë to Disneyland for the first time for her second birthday. And we fell so hard we got passes. We had them one other time before that, after my mom passed away my dad got us passes, don’t know how I forgot that. We had our passes for 2 years and we made the most of our passes. Don’t get me wrong I think this is one of my more healthy outlets. And I think Disneyland is a magical place that holds so many sweet memories for me. The real concern in behavior modification is trying to modify self destructive, socially inappropriate behaviors by finding an alternative behavior that still meets the same function. Woah that’s a lot to understand. Despite all that info, I did wonder why Disney and food fascinates me.

One of the things I love so much about Disney and food, is the details. The attention and care that goes into it. When you have passes to Disney you are able to stop and take it all in, every little detail and there are A LOT! I believe with all my heart the draw to details is something we crave internally deep down in our souls. Some of us aren’t aware of it, but some people have the ability to capture it. It blows my mind each and every time I notice it. When someone is able go deeper and deeper and draw out every nuance of the story or concept, I wonder, how? And then to convey it! Sometimes it’s too much to process and you have to go back again and again to see it and to take it all in. And then there’s food. Anyone hear the word umami? It’s the art of layering satisfying flavors that communicates something amazing in our brains. It’s the fifth taste, it’s savory and it’s when comfort foods give your stomach a big hug.  I love this about food, it has a way of communicating without the use of words. But then I get thinking how or why do some have the capacity, but others don’t, can those people even take credit for their talent or just what they do with it? Who gave them that skill, is it teachable? I have had too many conversations about teachable skills and gifts and I believe that some things are teachable knife skills for instant, but it’s very hard to teach your tastebuds to taste things. And I have even done more research on that, some people have super palates. You can’t teach someone that, they are born with it.

The more I think about the details I can see how God is in every single detail. All of the little things, because He cares. He cares deeply. It is His character trait that shines in some people. There’s this song by Sarah Reeves called Details. It got me thinking about how God has moved in my life in the details. I look around and I see Him everywhere. It’s like easter eggs (Disney is really good at those), you have to look a little closer to see them, you might have to watch it a few times to catch them. It’s not like they magically appeared when you noticed them, they were there all along. You have to slow down enough and take the time to see them. I’ve also got the opportunity to pray prayers and had them answered. I mean even the smallest of prayers have been answered. I think about how silly some of them were, but I’ve learned that God is interested in the details that He will answer prayers big and small. I wish everyone could experience these moments, it seriously brings the biggest smile to my face. But even if you don’t, look around, take it all in. Not one of us is exactly alike. We are all so unique. The thought that we were knit together in our mother’s womb is crazy! Seeing my sister give birth and knowing that the woman’s body is designed to do that is mind blowing! Those magical sunsets we see. The wind, it’s so powerful and you can’t even see it. The list goes on and on. I truly believe that it takes more faith to not believe in God.