Bow Down

This past month has been one big party. We have celebrated graduations and three birthdays. I’m just catching my breath. But even during all this time my thoughts and mind have been pondering a few things. Zoë is entering this stage that I never really thought would come or how to feel about it. I guess what I have come to is, it’s a darn good thing I got something guiding me because I would be absolutely lost in this moment because I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I haven’t fully processed these thoughts so I’m here speaking them out loud and wading through to find out what’s at the bottom of this.

We all know a simple principle to be true, stand up for something or fall for everything. My momma always told me that my values should be very similar to hers since she raised me and instilled them in me. Which I get, I didn’t just magically become who I am today without her pouring tirelessly into me each and every day, in all of the small moments. Zoë and Grey aren’t magically going to be good kids. I’ve learned it takes a village, one that holds me accountable as well as my children. It is the grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles that help raise up me and my children. It helps that we all hold to the same values. It’s in these moments that I see how much we all need a guide on this wild ride. Zoë is spending more time with friends which is leading to a lot of discussions I wasn’t sure I was prepared for, maybe I’m not. But I have to think that life, you, and all those around and most of all Jesus keeps raising me up pouring into me so that I am. I am able to guide her through these moments. I have realized I’m helping pour her foundation for which she will stand on one day and navigate life decisions from. It’s all these small moments and little conversations that will lead her to the young women she will be. And one day I will have worked myself out of a job. I will have to trust that all of this will hold, the scaffold will be pulled away and she will stand on her own two feet, they will both have to stand on their own two feet.

I have recently been thinking about how I had to get to know my brokenness or my flaws intimately before I could even figure out how to grow or move forward. In those moments where I faced the mirror and looked deep I had to ask myself what do you bow down and worship. That phrase “bow down”. Ooooffff. One of the things that I struggle with is instagram. I found my self being defined and emotionally torn up by certain accounts. They had my full and complete attention and they had the ability to make me feel less than, angry, hurt, or there were accounts that made me feel better about myself (insert pride) and then we all know the high the numbers give you. The struggle is real and it’s only going to get harder and harder for our children. SO I took action. I cleaned up my feed and it’s an ongoing process. But I chose to take a stand. I didn’t want to keep falling over and over again for this crap, because really there is nothing life or death that I gain out of bowing down to instagram. We all bow down to something, and I think that’s so important to keep that in mind when raising up our children. Teaching them that it’s not necessary to bow down to what their friends do, but to stand up for what they believe is right. What they know to be right. That their friends decision may not be what’s right for them. I want both of my children to be strong enough to walk away from situations and things. And I know that it doesn’t happen by accident and that I need to lead by example.

Some of you may notice, others might not be surprised, but I have a case of the ADHD. I’m actually medically diagnosed, not self diagnosed. Because yes we all might have a form of ADHD, but yours is self inflicted or society inflicted (however you want to look at it), but in my case I didn’t have a choice. If I could choose I would right the wrong in my brain in a heart beat. But like I said my mom poured tirelessly into me. She didn’t want to own it, but she knew I struggled so she did everything in her natural power to give me the tools I needed to be successful. She set timers for me, she set boundaries, she chunked my chores, she gave me the benefit of the doubt. She knew something didn’t always add up, so finally my senior year of high school, right before I left home she took me to the doctors. My dad had finally been diagnosed and she recognized the similarities in our habits. So I tried medication and eventually it worked, but when we decided to have children we made the decision that I would stop taking the medication. For a lack of better words they were a drug and highly addictive one at that. So I had to begin falling back on all of the coping skills my mom instilled in me. I think it’s important for me to be honest about this for the sake of my daughter. She’s not exactly like me, but we do recognize her and I are a lot a like when it comes to processing. I have to say that this past year or so I don’t feel the inner battle with my brain as much. I’m able to more quickly recognize my weaknesses and I have worked to build healthier habits. But I do believe in my heart that this is something for me to celebrate and embrace. My brain is unique. It makes me a good teacher, a good mother, it helps me to embrace the chaos and still move forward. I think it’s a beautiful quality.

The last thing I’m reminded of is that who we surround ourselves with has a direct positive or negative impact on us. We are so easily influenced by our surroundings and those that we spend time with. I know I don’t get to choose all of my children’s friends, but I do have the right and authority to point them into healthy relationships. It’s my responsibility to show her what healthy relationships look like. How to love others. How to be gracious and forgiving. And thankfully she has the best cousins to learn a lot of these life lessons with and more importantly they have each other. I have been thinking about the time we spend in the car (we spend a lot of time in the car), but those are the moments that we talk, they are in close quarters. I think back to all of the time my sister and I spent in the car together driving to tournaments or going on vacation. Or even today when we pile all of the kids into my car the laughs they have or the conversations we have when we steal away a minute alone in the car running errands. I know all of these moments and thoughts contribute to them and to me, to who they will become to who I’m becoming. It all adds up. I look forward to the days and the moments where I get to see Zoë and Grey use what they have learned. I have gotten little glimmers of Zoë standing up for herself even in the midst of adversity. In a time like today  I think it is so important to raise up this next generation. I was walking with a friend thinking about how it looked so different when it was just her and I. We were carefree and life was easy, but then I look down and I see it, it’s their time right now. It’s their lives that are forming before our eyes. One day we will get to walk alone again and be carefree, but right now we are where we belong in the midst of them. Showing them how to navigate these waters and telling them when to stand up and not bow down.