Powerless

I think I just hit the bottom. I mean I knew all along this day for me would come, I thought it had and maybe all the other moments were what lead me here. But it all boils down to this, I felt powerless. I felt like I had no choice in my mom’s death, I had no other option than to turn to food, I had no other option but to walk away. I felt powerless and I felt all along that I was the victim, maybe I was, but I don’t know. My spunky, spontaneous, believe all people are good attitude can land me in some really big predicaments. One minute I could be eating a french dip and the next I’m racing back to the hospital. One minute I could be hugging someone and the next they’re taking something from me. One minute I can be on the phone the next I’m running out the door to the bank. It all seems so silly and innocent, but it’s not. It leaves me feeling wounded and scared. One minute things are fine and the next they’re not and it all leaves me feeling powerless.

I learned something valuable today. I learned that you can continue to be the victim in life or you can stand in courage. Listen, there are real victims out there and they need to be heard and understood, but my faith says I don’t have to stay the victim. That I can rise and say no this isn’t right. It’s so hard to counteract our nature/feelings, fight or flight is real, we all know that. But today I learned I can run on my own or I can run into Jesus. Again and again I learn this lesson, over and over again. Every moment I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know how to stand up and say no. I felt like I couldn’t because I had so much fear and so much fight in me that all I could do was pray, “help me get out of this, help me”. In the moment I wasn’t being logical, I believed the lies and even if they weren’t lies I bowed down to this person. Because even though I know the truth I’m not immune to falling and falling hard, without a helmet on.

I don’t know maybe there is a strength from feeling powerless and then realizing you’re powerful. As I worked out tonight I felt the strength in lifting the weights. Almost like breaking the chains off. Realizing how much strength and power I do have. And I’m thankful for being able to talk about what happened today. To process the emotions and blow off some of the steam so hopefully I’ll be able to move past it and eventually feel normal again. PSA don’t fall for those crappy scams, because nobody likes feeling duped. I remember this one time being in a city and haggling with a homeless man and walking away feeling had. I know I should have known better, but I allowed fear to drive me to a place I never should have gone. All I had to do was hang up and whatever the consequences would be I would face them or not because there really wasn’t anything on the other side to be afraid of after all.

Before I would have given in, fully committed, because before my emotions would have ruled me. I’m learning to trust my gut, it’s there for a reason. But for however long I can remember I have had a hard time doing just that and now I know why. My emotions get the best of me. I’ve been working on putting them in their rightful place and I’ll continue to do that because fear is a liar and I won’t be the victim anymore. And the reality is I live in a broken world, where there are evil people and evil things that try to steal and destroy. And I’m not powerless, you’re not powerless. We are able to take a step forward in courage, in confidence that everything will be ok. In fact we’re not powerless. We have a power within to overcome. I want to be an overcomer, I’m a big believer in second chances, do overs, and u turns.

Big shout out to needing a savior and being saved over and over again.