Checks and Balances

I remember the day vividly, I made the choice to pick up the cape. I don’t know if I had any other choice, but a week after Grey was born I put it on and I haven’t taken it off. Today a sweet girl at the ice cream shop noted I looked like I was a “super mom”.

I never intended to take on this role. It kind of just happened. And honestly I don’t know how to take it off. I found a note from someone that said that I was born to be a mother and how proud my mom would be of me. It really struck my heart to the core. There’s something deep down inside of me that knows those words are true. Mom guilt and fear have clouded it sometimes and on the other side of it I have taken on that role as my identity so much so that I kind of lost myself. Over the past few years I have spent a lot of time finding myself and remembering who I really am besides “Mom”. I remember my mom always telling me life is all about balance. That in moderation things can be good for you. She struggled to live it. She loved her work. Sometimes so much so that I called her principal mom. Sometimes I would be upset with how much she chose her work over us, she wasn’t the mom that went on field trips or volunteered, and sometimes she showed up late to my high school soccer games. She delegated a lot to babysitters for the sake of her career. But without fail almost every day she would be home by 4:30. She always made sure our uniforms were clean. She always made us dinner. She made sure homework got done and forms will filled out. She emailed teachers. And on weekends she was all ours. More and more I see her struggle and I have compassion for her and more love for her than I know what to do with. I know some of you might wonder where was my dad, he worked in San Dimas and you think the traffic is bad now, but he commuted when none of these expansions or toll roads existed. So he often left before we got up and got home as we were getting in bed. He made different sacrifices. But I do have very vivid memories of him staying home with us during my junior high days and those are equally as special to me too. He made some of the best school lunches! He taught me how to kick a soccer ball like a football. He sat at the end of the soccer field watching us. He planned elaborate vacations. They both did their best to find balance between work and family.

Before I decided to become a Special Education teacher I had my heart set on being a History teacher. I LOVE history. There’s a philosopher that coined the statement, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” I always loved that statement and it truly is what drives a lot of the reasons for what I blog about. I never want to look back on life and wonder why it turned out the way it did, like it just happened to me. We have the very real history of life in front of us and if we only take a moment to see it’s effects, we get the opportunity to choose something different. But we can also just allow history to repeat itself as it often does. So here I am wearing this cape. Like so many parents before me. And then I watch the movie Incredibles 2 and the wise words of Edna Mode are spoken, “NO CAPES”. I have decided it’s far too dangerous to wear this cape. That sometimes it gets caught in the traps of guilt and fear. That it can carry me away into isolation and hyper focus of being SUPER MOM! So it is far easier to take it off and show up in whatever way that looks like for this moment and the next. I read this quote, “Yesterday is packed away with grace, and today’s a fresh day with fresh hope and fresh possibilities.” I like to believe that the quote about history is put into positive context in this last one. That there is hope for us to do things in light of grace. Forgiving the past and moving forward in hope. That we are able with small choices and decisions to take what the past holds and move forward on a different path even if our foot steps follow along the same path as those that came before us.

I know my struggle with this balance thing, it’s at the heart of who I am. It took me a moment to reflect on the past to see how I have handled the balance of work and family. It’s not an easy balance and it’s so easy for me to go heavy on either side. I love working and I love my family. As I continue to walk this road because life goes on, I see how much the cape has hurt me at times. But what really hurt me was my pride. When you put that cape on something about it makes you stand tall with a puffed chest believing you can conquer the world. I have had to learn to set my pride down a lot these past couple of years. Accepting help is hard, but asking for help is even harder! It’s so much easier when people offer, but knowing my needs and being vulnerable enough to seek out help sometimes paralyzes me. It stops me from accomplishing anything. So instead I figured I would do things on my own. Haha!! I have failed more doing things on my own and I can laugh now, but I have found myself in some tricky situations going it alone. So instead I have learned the art of humility. Allowing people to come into my life has been more of a blessing than a burden. So for me it has come down to checking my past and balancing my future. The world tells us we can have it all, but maybe we don’t need it all, maybe all we need is a little more balance.