I have this thought in my head…sometimes disappointments cast a shadow. There have been moments where I have found myself feeling like an event never happened and other times I find myself in the thickness of the hurt. When my mom died the weight of that was overwhelming. Not only was her presences missed, but the actual event cast this shadow on a life that wasn’t meant to be. I had it in my mind that my mom should be there when I get married. I remember looking out the window for a picture and wondering when she was going to walk up, I was so disappointed that she wouldn’t be there to walk me down the aisle. And just like that, there are many other events in my life marked by disappointment.
A couple years ago when I decided to finally deal with my baggage I began to wrestle with those disappointments. I had to come to some kind of conclusion. How was I going to truly surrender the hurt and disappointments that had stolen so much of me, that had begun to consume who I was and quite frankly alter my very nature. I listened. I asked questions. I internalized the answers and at the end of the day I was able to acknowledge how that hurt could eventually save me. That the pain that I experienced wouldn’t be so foreign when other life events happened. You know when my mom died I often said I would never wish this on my worst enemy. And til this day I wouldn’t wish any of the experiences I have had with pain on my worst enemy.
But today I can say that these are my hard fought for truths. Walking through pain and disappointments has made me who I am and for all I know who I was meant to be. The pain I have experienced has saved me. When my mom died people would often ask, “how are you?” and all I longed for was to say, I’m ok and truly mean it, not while I was gritting my teeth and faking a smile. I don’t think I ever really accepted my new normal. Life kept going and I so desperately wanted to hit a pause button. I wanted life to stop and let me deal. But instead I had to feel the pain to heal. I couldn’t ignore the pain because it was only leading me to destruction.
Hear me on this one too, I know disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. If I’m being honest and I am, I’m disappointed I don’t have a bigger cup size or more money in the bank. I’m disappointed the Vikings didn’t win more games this season. And then there are the other kinds of disappointments, death, broken hearts, loneliness, and failures. Sometimes in life’s disappointments we can find ourselves looking at other lives and longing for them. We would do anything to avoid facing our own disappointments that we would do pretty much anything to get the life we thought we were meant to have. I’ve come to realize that there are people out there that want the very thing you have and they will reach out and try to grab your life. To those people I say you are worth having your own life. You don’t have to take something that doesn’t belong to you. We should all be guarding our lives, not in a sense to isolate, but in a sense of protection. I think we have to learn to rewrite the disappointments as to not allow them to cast a shadow into the future.
So now I look at things differently. I see the end as a new beginning. There is a future after death. There is life worth living after disappointments. Not just existing, but living, real living and loving. That being completely and utterly shattered can lead to glory. Over the past few years I have come to know my emotions better, I have learned to be socially conscious of how my emotions are expressed through my behavior. I have learned to see past my emotions and take a look at the hard facts in front of me. I see how important it is for me to not respond from a place of emotions. I understand the importance of how I act and react to situations. It’s like shining the light on the disappointments takes away it’s power to control or influence my future.
I wrote on instagram that I want to live in the stars. Last year I was able to surrender so much hurt from my past and I was able to really see what is important to me and have hope for a future that wasn’t littered with disappointments. I lived despite the disappointments. And I want to continue to do that, but to also see the magic in the moment. That no matter what disappointments come my way that I can continue to see the good. I guess it all boils down to how we handle life’s disappointments. Are you going to spread your wings and knock everyone out of the nest or are you going to rise up and fly.
It is well with my Soul 