Risky Business

I’ve noticed that I often operate from a place of fear. When I was a little girl I was always afraid of disappointing my parents. I always heard this saying, “there’s nothing wrong with a healthy sense of fear”, mostly in regards to raising children and discipline. Then last week I was texting with a friend about a verse that included the fear of God, and I knew right away one of her hangups was with that statement because I to have struggled through that thought. What I’ve come to is there really is no fear in love, but an understanding and a struggle to grasp the power of love, especially when it comes to the love of God.

As someone that believes in do overs, u-turns and try agains, I think the hardest part is giving myself that permission. In the past my pride would get in the way and I would try to do everything on my own or I felt guilty. It just seems that this time around going back to teaching it was a fresh start. I was able to rise up in my job, but what easily happens is my priorities get a little out of order. I have the tendency to hyper focus on one thing. That one thing can be a really good thing, but put it in the wrong order on my list of priorities it can be harmful. So a good thing can become a bad thing. I had a really successful year as a teacher. It wasn’t perfect, but I happened to take on a few extra responsibilities. Previously I had gotten so used to exercising my no, that I think I might have shied away from things that were great opportunities. So coming back I wanted to be open to stepping into new roles and grow as a teacher. But this time around I tried to do it with the authority that I can set healthy boundaries between work life and home life. It wasn’t easy and I most certainly failed at times. I struggle with letting my walls down and inviting others into the mess of my thought process or even the emotional struggles I personally face. I’m beyond grateful for instant friends and a supportive team.

This year has forced me to let a few of my walls down. Recently I was feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I had to share it with someone who I didn’t really want to share it with because I was so afraid of being vulnerable, like tearing up because it really hurt to say it out loud and afraid that it would end up pushing this person away. I mean fear is a silent killer. And I know how risky it feels to be vulnerable. I get how sometimes it’s easier to choose the handcuffs versus the freedom. They are almost comforting because they are familiar. And taking that risk is frightening. I can imagine it’s like the feeling I had when I decided to go back to teaching. Thankfully I had the freedom to choose and maybe in our fear we have the freedom to be scared and still take on that challenge. Doesn’t mean the fear goes away. I was talking about Grey the other day, how he “thinks” he knows the right answer, but sometimes he finds out he’s wrong. What I love the most though is he doesn’t care if he got it wrong, he wants to know the right answer. He shrugs off his failure and seeks the true answer. I don’t always get it right and sometimes I get down on myself because of it, but I’m trying to take a page from Grey Grey and try again. Cause why not.

I want to be free. I want to be free to be happy. I don’t want to trap myself in the vicious cycle of trying to prove myself over and over again. I have been sharing these truths that I have learned with others and I find myself struggling to believe them. How can I encourage other women when I’m still second guessing myself.  I want to be free to try again and maybe I won’t get it right every time, but I’ll try again over and over again. Because I’m worth it. I’m more than these struggles and these feelings.