Dreamin’ of Reality

I own it, I can be a bit of a day dreamer. I can concoct the wildest fantasies of what I want my life to be like. I mean Pinterest anyone! I could design a million different parties and weddings and houses all with a click of a mouse. But then you check that bank account and reality smacks you in the face or maybe chuckles a little. I got thinking about how sometimes we can see these cute little squares filled with everything we want. A picture perfect family. A picture perfect house. A picture perfect vacation. A perfect picture. What really gets me is what we’re willing to do to achieve that picture of perfection. Sometimes we would do anything to get those things. You know what I love most about Instagram is the bio. Link in bio, but what else is there. A lot of us have descriptive words or emoji’s. Those are the things that you think you will find in the feed. And just like any other job you’re always looking to add that next title: wife, mother, insert career, ect.

Back to what we see and what we’re willing to do to achieve those things. I think it’s crazy how some people are willing to crush others in the pursuit of that dream. That we often don’t realize the wake of damage we can cause when we’re chasing that idea. We are able to block out reality or the simple facts in front of us. What is it that gives us the green light to take what doesn’t belong to us or to hurt others along the way. Maybe I don’t understand because I don’t live in the what ifs. Zoe was asking me a what if question the other day and I told her that I need her to stay in reality with me. We can toy with the idea of what if. And maybe we should, but I think in the process we should always be conducting damage assessments. How much does my risk taking damage me financially or emotionally?  I feel like we need to ask ourselves that a bit more often.

Before I wrapped up the end of the school year I was asked to teach a different class. When I first started working summer school I met this cute little girl Isabel (I seriously considered this name for Zoe, because of her). But I was asked to teach the class she would have been in. One filled with hurting people. And I so badly wanted to take it. These are moments I miss my mom so much. I just needed someone to talk to about it. I needed to assess the damage that my risk could have. So I thought about this memory of my mom. She was asked why she didn’t consider the Director of Special Education job. Her response was, “I’m not ready. I need more experience.” Right up to the moment I thought she was a coward. I totally believed she would have made a great Director of Special Education. So I was rationalizing, I don’t want to be like her. I know I can do this job. It would grow and stretch me, but that’s what I want. I want to grow and learn and challenge myself in my career. But then I talked to my mother in law. It was then that I realized that, sure my mom was qualified to do the job. But what I never considered was this was right after she had gotten her Administration Credential. It took her two years or more I don’t even remember, but what I do remember was my mom paid people to drive us to orthodontist appointments, soccer practice. People to make sure our homework was done and we practiced our piano. On weekends she would be glued to the dining table doing homework. She ultimately knew what she would have to sacrifice to take a position like a director. Us. So she didn’t, for us.

My mother in law so lovingly pointed out that someone would pay the price for my risk. So instead of sacrificing my family. I chose to take the facts and make a wise decision. I have to remind myself, this isn’t the last opportunity in my career and maybe there’s something else waiting for me. So in a real way I was left with a broken dream and healing heart. I saw life through my mom’s eyes again and felt so much more compassion for her. I felt so bad for how ungrateful I was for her sacrifice. And I hope one day Zoe and Grey will know how much we chose them, how much we loved them. I share this story for them. So they will know whenever they need to know.

But really, how often to do we try to make our reality look like our dream. We manipulate situations. We talk to that person. We spend that money. We say those words. We hurt those people. We withhold. We don’t say the words. Why is it so hard for us to just love our reality? Why is it so hard to dream of reality? I guess what we all fail to see about those pretty squares is ALL the hard work that went into making the dream the reality. That’s it. We see the success and ignore the hard work. We see the perfect family and cut out the head and insert our own. We think it’s that easy. I guess what we all don’t share or don’t acknowledge is the struggles, the time, the difficult choices, the sacrifice it took to get the dream. So I guess it really comes down to are you gritty enough to make the dream a reality. Not everyone is, I saw this saying “the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit” & “lust feels like love until it’s time to make a sacrifice”. Maybe those two things sum this all up. We expect immediate results and if we don’t we’ll lust after whatever somebody else has. And maybe what we really should consider is what’s the story we’re telling in those cute little squares. I’m just over here checking my own heart and aligning my desires and actions with the will of God no matter how much grit it requires because I want to dream about reality.