You do you boo

I’ve recently watched a special on Netflix from Brené Brown. If you’ve watched it you know she’s done research on shame, guilt, and vulnerability. Those are some tough words. I have had my fair share of struggles with those words. Have you?I have experienced first hand the consequences of pride, jealousy and stealing. Woah, not sure in the context that you’re thinking. Have you ever wanted something so bad you would do anything for it? I know personally I remember being 20 and watching my peers get engaged and married and starting their careers. I wanted it so bad. And surprisingly I’m not as patient as everyone thinks I am. And just like the majority of the people on this planet I have a sense of FOMO or let us break that down a little more, I have fear of not being valuable. Despite my manipulations to get what I want, I eventually ended up with a beautiful family, a career, and what everyone would equate success. So looking in someone might want what I have and they would do what they could to get it, maybe even begin to steal parts of my life. I say none of this to boast about what I had because let’s be real looking in it might appear to be perfect, but it could also be the furthest thing from it. What I’m saying is the shame and guilt we feel may cause us to do some irrational things. Maybe even justify the decisions we make. But what I’m here to say is we don’t have to. We don’t have to seek out to destroy others. We don’t have to steal things for ourselves. What we can do is trust. Trust that when you do you, you will eventually get or find what you’re searching for. That God is a good god and He wants to give good gifts. But in the waiting for those things we have to stay focused on Him and ourselves. Boy is that a hard pill to swallow.

I was just saying the other day, I didn’t know how to be alone. I didn’t know how to be comfortable or vulnerable with myself. I was so afraid of knowing my own insecurities I ran from them. I ran from myself. I didn’t want to know the ugly truth that lived inside of me. But eventually I realized the longest person I’ll ever be with is myself, so I might as well get to know the girl. It look a lot of time to really get to know myself or rather be honest with myself. It was so uncomfortable at first. But then I began to breathe. And then I began to feel free. I think for so long I was looking at other people and what they were doing or wearing that I lost my own identity and I didn’t even know what I liked. But now I do. Now I know how to stay true to myself when I feel myself drifting off into someone else’s identity. I have a due north. Not to say that my taste can’t change. With experiences comes change, but even then I can see that faithfulness to your true self is so important even in those times of change.

Teaching is my career and I love it. This past year I came back and set the tone quickly for my classroom. And as I sat answering questions about my career I could see how establishing clear expectations helps me to remain faithful to the bigger picture. And I think that’s what I learned as I got to know myself. I was able to establish my expectations. When I go shopping I have a few expectations that help me to purchase things. When I decorate I have a few rules I like to follow and that helps me to make decisions. By experiencing so many years of shame and guilt (all of which was self inflicted) I have learned to be vulnerable with myself and let go of those false expectations. The byproduct of that is I have also learned to stop putting myself in the shame and guilt cycle or at least be aware of that fact and actively choose to get out of it. I can now at very least appreciate the you do you boo statement. Before it made me want to throw up in my mouth. It sounded so selfish. <— Lots of guilt about that. But we are called to be individuals in community. God didn’t create any duplicates, even twins have their minute differences. I’m reminded of Matthew 11:28-30 and John 8:36. It’s so in our nature to burden ourselves, but we don’t have to.