Sink or Swim

My first job in the classroom was the summer after my first year in college. I will never forget pacing up and down the hill by my dorm as my mom described the job to me. She said, “You will get hit, pinched, bit, scratched. Do you want the job?” I laughed and agreed to take it. That was probably the first time I felt like I was thrown in the deep end and expected to swim. I remember feeling like I was always treading water and just barely keeping my head above the water. It’s like I wasn’t going anywhere fast, just hoping to not fail. Finally I feel like I am swimming and breathing freely. It’s the biggest sigh of relief. As I was driving the other day I told myself I might worry, but I am so thankful I can turn to Jesus and say I don’t have to, You already have it figured out. I have also come to this point in parenting where I realized that I have to parent each child differently and that is OK. I had this big chip on my shoulder about my mom allowing my sister to go on a sailing trip that I desperately wanted to go on, but she had told me no. I think she knew better. I don’t know why, but I have come to accept the fact that she knew what was best for me and acted accordingly. The other day I found myself telling Zoë no and saying yes to Grey in the same situation because their needs were different. Then I began to think isn’t that how God parents. We are all so unique and He sees our needs and the bigger picture and determines what is best for us. I can’t expect to get the same thing as the Jones’, but I can be thankful that I have exactly what I need when I need it. I can choose to trust His wisdom and discernment or I can try to pursue things that I determine is best for me. We think we have it all figured out and we know what we WANT, but maybe not what we NEED. I think as children we think we know ourselves better than the people who created us. Ha!

My famous words as a child were “I know.” I will never forget the frustration my dad would have when I said them and then Zoë started saying them! Haha! God’s got this sense of humor when it comes to life and children. They are a direct reflection of you and if you look close enough they teach you a lot about yourself. When Zoë began saying I know, I knew right then and there that we needed to change her language. We gave her a couple options (You’re right mom/dad/whoever, I agree, OK) and then I noticed I needed to change my language. It is so humbling to respond the other ways. And I find it that much more humbling to accept God’s will with those responses. It’s a struggle sometimes, but trusting and knowing He is good ALL the time is far more assuring than assuming I have it all figured out, when I DON’T.

Just like my first job I have learned that the process is character developing. I could have quit after that first summer, but instead I trusted that season in my life and it has prepared me in so many other ways for this new season of my life. I’m thankful for the journey. I’m thankful for a God that knows the depths of my being and is faithful in providing exactly what I need whether it be a person, place or thing He knows exactly what I need at the exact moment I need it. Doesn’t mean I don’t try to do it my way first because like any other stubborn child I want what I want when I want it. But He is patient and will wait while I wander around. I’m just thankful I can return to him with all my heart and that He will restore what is broken and change it into something amazing, all I need is faith.

Joel 2:12 and Joel 2:25

Some loose ends:

I never thought I would get here, but I’m glad I did. I have always been a fair and square kind of mom, but I missed a lesson along the way. But as a teacher I knew this lesson, but I can see how I struggled with it as I tried to make all things accessible to my students.

I think as humans we struggle with the idea that we think we deserve such and such, but why do we think that? Why are we always expecting something. We think we are these esteemed beings (dare I say gods) that deserves a better this or a better that. But what is better? Who determines what is better? I have found that being satisfied with what I have been given is far more rewarding than always expecting something “better”. Doesn’t mean I don’t have goals, but they are far more attainable when my hands are open to receive the blessing vs clinching and reaching for what I think I deserve. My heart is far more thankful for what is given to me rather than what is stolen or taken that was never intended for me.